I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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