If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
