If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
