not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
