i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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