i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
