margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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