God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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