My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
