I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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