The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
