I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
