I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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