allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize