i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
