i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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