If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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