dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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