my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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