we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
