FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
