Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
