your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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