My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
