Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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