Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
