Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
