She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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