You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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