You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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