Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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