Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize