Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
