I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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