I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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