You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
