and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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