How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize