You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
