did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
