Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
