neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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