Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
