taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
