6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
