party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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