omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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