Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
