He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
