I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
