Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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