Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
did you just send me my own nude
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
