I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
