I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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