Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
