My sheets look like a crime scene.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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