He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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