Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
