She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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