I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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