I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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