I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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