Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
