My nipple is on Facebook.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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