I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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