those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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