i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
