zippers are such a cool invention
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
