I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
