Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
