oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
